it's been a hell of a year(s)

My goodness! I haven't posted since 2016...what!?!?! It feels like a lifetime of things have changed in the past 5 years. Three years ago my husband Tom became horribly ill. For a long while we didn't have answers we just watched as his body detoriated. If I'm being truly honest as a family we thought this mystery illness was going to kill him. After about a year and a half of doctor's appointments he was diagnosed with Diabetic Autonomic Neuropathy. He's on medicine now to regulate everything within reason but it's still not enough to make him a full fledged functioning member of society like he once was. As a family we've all learned to deal with it and have adjusted our lives accordingly. He was so bad at one point that it prompted my parents to buy a house out here in Missouri to be closer to us as back up. I seriously have the greatest parents ever. In this time we've also embraced our calling as a hobby breeder of pomeranians and nigerian dwarf goats and I may be biased but they're the coolest animals in my book.

the (almost) daily struggle

Oh hey there blog! I guess we should see each other more often!

I've been in a season of change the past two years...moving to a new state, dealing with other people's poor choices and the affect it has had on my life and the hard question of after 17 years together, will we even stay married? It was hard and it was awful and there were times when things were so uncertain and so, so bad that you just needed to pray and be still and let the events unfold.  But God in His sovereignty has carried us right through. I wouldn't say it's completely over but definite progress has been made, hearts are changing and that's really all you can ask for at this point. I count it all to His glory.  

As that season of life is calming down we are being thrown right back into helping Carter. I really don't even know what to call it to be honest. We're the family with the little boy who is hard to understand and violently flies off the handle at the slightest thing when you least expect it. The little boy who you never quite know what the right answer is and you wonder if you're parenting him all wrong. He's also sweet and cuddly. He loves when we have one on one time and he can share things he enjoys with me. He recently started Cub Scouts and loves it, this brings my heart joy. He can play Minecraft with the best of them and by golly he's mastered the touch mousepad on the laptop with expert precision. He read me not one but two books today without any help and I could feel my eyes welling. Often I wonder if God gave me him to change me and not the other way around. 

Today was a particularly hard day for him. When his teacher called me around 4:15 and left a voicemail that she was calling to explain "the incident" my heart immediately sank. They were trying something new today and were in the classroom for a longer period of time then normal. Carter began to get restless. His teacher asked him to go to his station when she noticed he was beginning to wander around the room. He instead went over near the faucet and began hitting a tub of something and she told him if he did it again that he would need to sit out for five minutes. Of course he did it again and he was sent to another room to wait out his five minutes and cool off with out all of the classroom distractions. Carter is cooled off, he comes back to class and immediately has a melt down because he realizes that everyone has started the new activity without him. At this point he's then sent to the Principal's office to cool off again and he didn't get to complete the new class activity with everyone else. 

After last week's shenanigan of disrespecting his teacher I thought he would have a good week this week. He had all positive comments yesterday and got 100% positive on the Class Dojo App! The schedule change today and him becoming restless is what did him in... he decided to act out and it went downhill from that point. We are working on a possible IEP reevaluation and a Behavior plan which is in the paperwork stage at this point. 

Tomorrow is another day for progress and I pray it's a good one.

Thing One, Thing Two, Thing Three

Hannah hates math, she takes after me. Otherwise, she's doing well in school.

Carter hates sight words for obvious reasons. Since he has a speech delay words aren't really his friend. I thought he was going to flap his hand off or punch me in the face when I asked him if he could pronounce "the" when I pointed to his paper with a pencil. It's amazing when reviewing sight words he flaps his hands and get SUPER aggravated but ask him to count and he whizzes through it easy-peasy. He recognized and then said the word "like" and I nearly cried. Brains are interesting things. 

Friday, Amelia's classmate had lice. That stuff terrifies me; I haven't and don't want to deal with lice. 

After work today I got a call from the early childhood special education department. I knew it would be coming now that Amelia was in the school district.  Amelia has "speech concerns" and they want to do more testing. They will do further testing on her speech but also any other delays. I was glad to get the call but now I'm having visions of Carter cropping in my head and hoping it will be different for her. 

I guess we'll see what the next 90 days will bring as they have 30 days to contact me to set up testing and 60 days to complete testing. 

I'm glad she'll be getting the help she needs and I'll try to ignore this ball of terror in my gut that there might be more issues. 

granny

It's weird how simple things can trigger a memory. My Granny was a cleaner. She always kept her house clean-no clutter. But the floors.


THE. FLOORS.


She would walk across any floor, didn't matter where she was, if something was in the floor she'd bend down and pick it up. Every. Time. Even when she was so far off her rocker and didn't want to get out of bed because she was having a bad day with her health. She'd wander out to the living room see something in the floor and pick it up. We always just stared at her like really Granny, you feel awful, leave the piece of paper in the floor. But she wouldn't. She always kept on with that paper. I used to roll my eyes and think she was nuts when I was younger. Now I look back and appreciate her tenacity.


I was sitting on the couch last night looking at my floors. They're disgusting. The dog chewed paper, wood, plastic...you name it, he's chewed it. Carter chews paper and between the two chewers the floor shows their evidence. Gross.


I started to think about Granny and how she'd roll over in her grave if she knew my floors had so much debris.


I had the kids clean the big chunks of chew debris and toys and clothes and what ever else seems to get drug out but is no ones fault because we have elves in our house that make a mess and it's never the kids fault. Is this just at my house? I vacuumed. The vacuum broke because if you want your vacuum to die send it to my house. I took it all apart and put it back together and it worked. I continued my task and my floors look awesomely clean now.


I'm thankful for Granny and her OCD-floor-debris ways. She taught me to keep on keeping on.

you did what?

Amelia's had a fever off and on all weekend beginning Friday evening. Saturday she was starting to feel a bit better late in the evening after some tylenol and began moving around the house more and playing with her sister. Phew.

Hannah and I sit down to watch Treehouse Masters and I notice the dog is not around. I thought oh he must be laying under my bed upstairs. Time passes and I still think gosh he hasn't been around lately so I call him and start whistling because surely by now he needs to go out and relieve himself. Silence. I call him and whistle louder. Silence. I send the girls upstairs to see if he's hiding under the bed. No dog.

I can feel the panic creeping in. Where could he be? I whistle and call him again. Nothing, no jingling tag, no scratching at a closed door nothing.

I look at Amelia, "you didn't let the dog out earlier did you?" As I remember telling her a few hours ago to keep the sliding glass door shut so none of the animals escape. She hangs her head low and in the saddest voice ever.  "Mommy, I'm sorry I let Baxter out earlier. He ran away from me when I let him out." Hannah and I look at each other. Panic has sat in.

I yank open the back door and begin feverishly yelling his name and whistling. Silence. I don't see him anywhere. I run upstairs calling the dog, whistling, checking every room. He doesn't come.

Finally, I grab my keys and head outside. Calling him and calling him. I get in my car roll down the windows drive all through the neighborhood. I don't see him, I don't hear him. He's gone. I'm praying that I find the dog. Thinking the worst. He is a puppy and if someone found him they would probably keep him because let's face facts; people are dishonest especially when they think they won't get caught. I start wondering why no one has called since he has a collar? Will they take him and have his microchipped scanned? Is he dead in a ditch? Why isn't he coming when I call? Why would Amelia let him out and then not tell anyone? Why wouldn't he scratch and bark at the back door? Why? Why? Why?

I finally get back to our street and the dog is no where to be seen. I see Tom with a flashlight walking towards me. We both say almost in unison, "He's gone and never coming back." "Someone has him."

We all pile back in the house; Hannah sobbing.

I check under the bed to make sure one last time that our precious boy is really gone. Baxter is staring me in the face. I call his name and I can see his legs move. I call him more and he starts to army crawl out from the middle of the bed. By now all the kids are crowded around as we wait for the dog to appear. We give him lots of belly rubs and kisses and are so relieved that he was under the bed the entire time.

Amelia and I had a long talk about lying, telling the truth and what to do if the dog does get out and you need help to get him back. Oh and her fever came back. I'll need another weekend to recover from this stressful weekend.

school days

Praise God, the kids are doing marvelous in school.

It's always a little nerve wracking when you have one going into Kindergarten where they're expected to act more like big kids and less and less like little preschoolers. Then add one kid starting preschool where she needs to act like a preschooler and listen/obey and *gasp* take daily naps. I'm glad to report everyone seems to be buzzing right along and falling in to step.

Hannah is making friends and has become the student council representative for her class. Yesterday, she was on the morning announcements at school. Carter was so excited to hear his sister on the speaker. I'm super proud of her!

Carter has surprised me the most with his overall change in attitude towards school. He now comes home everyday and shows me his folder. Then we work on any homework which he gladly does. No fighting like last year. He just overall seems more responsible and I am loving it!

He has a little work to be done still with his letters and the way in which he holds his scissors. He's been letting me help him and that has delighted my heart.

Amelia Jane...she's a little spit fire. She "tells stories" or as I like to call it lies. Not just innocent make believe things but weird things like "My teacher gave me a shot today." "Right there" and points to her arm. My favorite "story" was before school started. "When I start school, I'm going to go over to the door, turn the door knob and sneak out. Then they're going to have to look for me and I'm going to be sneaky." Like, really? Where does she come up with this?

My favorite Carter story of the week was just yesterday. We're walking through our garage and he says: "Oh Mommy, I have something to tell you as you know." "The first thing I have to tell you is my two girlfriends; they got in trouble because my one girlfriend hit my other girlfriend and that's bad." "The second thing I have to tell you is that I didn't poop my pants." "But, I kept my underwear in my book bag just in case."

He currently adds "as you know" to nearly every sentence. He also was sick Friday and Saturday hence his poop his pants comment. 

Prescription Savings Cards, what?!?!

Have you all heard of such a thing?

I never had.

Tom's diabetes and neuropathy pain prescription co-pays have crippled our budget. I went along with him to the doctor this last go-round to ask if there was anything they could prescribe that would be less costly. The doctor looks at me like I have five heads and says aren't you using the card? Um, I'm using my insurance card? He says no, the savings card that will help pay all or most of your co-pay. What??? No I'm not and I'll take ten please ;) So suffice it to say we are now going to be able to afford medicine once again. Hallelujah!

I never thought we'd be those folks you see on commercials talking about how they can't afford medicine and we totally became them. I don't know how they expect people to fork over $500-$600 a month (or more) on just prescriptions.

If you too are using prescriptions that cost an arm and a leg try to get a savings card. They will be offered by the manufacturer of the medicine you're using. Good luck and hope this helps others!

The days are long but the years are short

The past two months have brought a lot of changes in our lives. New house, new dog, new schools and a new girl scout troop. Phew!

Today was Amelia's first day of preschool. It feels so official marking the first day she'll begin school and stay in the school system until she graduates. I'm sure for her it will feel like an eternity is dragging on and I'll blink and she'll become a high school senior.

Carter started Kindergarten last week. By the end of the school year he'll be a different boy.

Hannah is a second grader; how do I have a second grader? She's a brownie in Girl Scouts...I can still remember being a Brownie!!! Gah!

Tom and I have the kids constant since we moved to Missouri so it's really strange to not have anyone but us in the house right now. I thought about cleaning and unpacking boxes without interruption but that hasn't really happened. I'm just too busy enjoying the quiet!

voting on proposition one

The past few days my Facebook feed has been absolutely flooded with the yays or nays of voting on proposition one or bills similar to in various cities and states. Today Springfield voted on such a bill that will either keep or overturn a human rights bill which essentially protected the LGBT community and could potentially harm the Christian community.

It's been interesting to hear both sides of the argument. I always enjoy learning the differences between my faith and the faith of others. I find it even more interesting when Christianity is used in a way to support someone's behavior. I posted an article to my Facebook account yesterday that was a good read showing how the supporters of the LBGT community were using Christianity to support the LGBT community. I found it thought provoking and it also helped me to better understand just why so many people I know and consider my friend feel that Jesus is love and we should love everyone regardless of their sexual orientation.

I myself went to vote Yes to repeal only to discover I live outside of city limits and my opinion doesn't matter to the City of Springfield.

I wonder how many more cities and states will have such votes in hopes to preserve the rights of Christians?

die-a-beat-us

When you say it real slow it's a little creepy.

Tom has type 1 diabetes and when his blood sugars are high they are crazy high. So high that he turns into a crazy, angry, irrational monster or as I like to let him know...he's hangry. That's our code word for "your acting a little bit crazy and your blood sugars must be jacked."

For a time there I thought he may have been literally suffering from a mental disorder because his mood would change like the flip of a switch.

The good news is he is getting treated with insulin and that has helped phenomenally.

In addition to having diabetes he now has a rare "diabetic rash" on his ankle which needed biopsied to confirm what was going on. I honestly thought he had skin cancer by the looks of it; thankfully it was not! The official name is Necrobiosis Lipoidica Diabeticorum and there is no absolute cure just treatment in hope to lessen the appearance and symptoms. 

If anyone has the name of a good diabetic cookbook or tips that would help him it would be much appreciated! Everyone in this house is starting on a diabetic diet.

sunshine and rainbows

I thought I was having one of "those" weeks and it's only Tuesday, oy.

It started yesterday I was so tired. I think it was my nap combined with Starbucks later in the day and this Mama could not sleep at night. I drifted off somewhere around 3:30 only to spring awake for work at 5:30 6:00 (thank you snooze button). I somehow managed to make it through work and then when I got home things got worse. I woke up today still angry from the prior incident and worried. Thanks to my Dad (I jokingly call him Doom and Gloom) I take a situation and think of every possible outcome and all of these possible outcomes suck. I try to keep it together and decide to read my daily, this always makes me feel better I say to myself. Today was short and sweet. "Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of God." This did not make me feel better. Where is the scripture instructing me to throat punch my enemy? Because let's be honest, that's how I really feel.

Man, I just couldn't shake this sadness and anger which is not normally like me. I crack open the Bible again thinking surely I'll find something in here to help the situation. This just left me with more questions and now I have a post-it note with a ton of notes and still feeling like I'm no closer to an "answer."

It finally clicks....be a peacemaker. Did I not just read this? Am I totally ignoring what I'm instructed? Uh, my bad.

After I got my heart right about the situation the day went much better. Carter and I even went on a date...to Walmart.

So lesson of the day:

When you feel like this:

Remember this:

update on life

We found a church! 

It's one thing to pray and study the Bible at home. It's SO much nicer to add in corporate worship and begin to build bonds with other folks just like you...struggling sinners. We began going to a new Life Group which my previous church titled Community Group; if any of you Stoners happen to be reading this. Life Group has been especially good for me who has been void of friends for oh seven-ish months. Ugh. 

Hannah met a little girl at group and hit it off right away. They were so cute hanging out all night this past Sunday and of course have a play date lined up in a couple of weeks. Watching her makes me think of my own best friend and I, we met while still in church nursery as babies and have stayed together ever since. I pray my girl finds a friend like that...a lifetime friend. 

Carter has been doing really good in school. Oddly, he had a rough week last week and did not get to choose a prize from the prize box (insert the sounds of total devastation here). Today, he came home in a great mood, participated in his activities, took nap, listened and obeyed all day. Phew! He had me concerned for half a second that he was following the same pattern as last year but hopefully we got him turned back around on the correct path. Guys, it's time for Kindergarten registration. Be still my heart. 

Amelia had a screening for Preschool with our school district today. I really hope she's accepted for next year. Fingers crossed. She tested really well in most categories with a low score in articulation. She puts an L as the beginning sound to a lot of her words which at times can make it hard to understand the word she's saying. We'll know in 7-10 days how she made out from her screening. The highlight of her week is church and getting to play with other kids. Poor girl, she asks me nearly every day if she can go to school and bring her backpack and lunch box. 

shining light

After months (years?) of testing and evaluations from various sources we finally have a diagnosis for Carter.

He has anxiety disorder (not specified) and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). In addition he has sensory processing disorder.

I'm not sold on ODD for him because if you are a nearly five year old with anxiety that likely stems from sensory processing and a speech delay, you may appear to have ODD. Makes sense right? In truth it's likely his reaction while he is trying to make sense of everything around him. The sensory processing breaks my heart. He has to try SO much harder to process and keep it together every day then say you or I. I can't imagine how he must feel.

On the flip side, I am very hopeful that he will learn to cope with his triggers as he gets older and it will get easier for him.

His speech is still not well so he will continue his speech therapy for this year and all of Kindergarten next year. If that would get easier for him I imagine other aspects of his life would improve. I can see how frustrating it is for him to try to explain something but his words don't come out quite right.

He is currently receiving speech at school. They also recommend OT for his sensory processing and therapy for the anxiety so we've got a good game plan in place.

Wow, It's Practically December.

Thanksgiving without family was strange and yet good. One of my best friends asked me how my Thanksgiving went and I told her: I cooked, the kids played video games and Tom napped the majority of the day so he could go to work for 12 hours at 5:30; so yeah it's pretty much how Norman Rockwell portrayed it.

To add to our talents we spent the ENTIRE DAY in pajamas...heaven.

Working Black Friday is the pits. Pits I tell you. It's such a tease to have off that one day and then the next day you should be shopping or decorating for Christmas. I'm pretty sure this is a law somewhere.

Instead...

I worked and got home a touch early, grabbed dinner and then headed out to get a Christmas Tree before Tom went to work. We had enough time to get the tree in the stand before he needed to leave.

Alas, the day was not a total loss.

It's now time for me to relax and stare at my gorg Christmas tree which has the heavenly smell of Christmas pouring from it's branches. Oh hark, my tree's trunk is as crooked as a dog's hind leg...this is totally typical for my life.

The weekend...in pictures

Hannie was awarded "responsible student" she was nominated by her teacher for her excellent behavior...this girl is amazing. 

We spent a chilly afternoon on the soccer field for the last game of the season. Our team won 3-2 ironically the 2 goals for the other team were kicked in by our team...the fun of PreK through 1st grade sports. 

Amelia is my new night time buddy. She's going through the splendid phase of not sleeping, yay! (Said no parent ever) 

And why must boys do this to their pants...constant. 

evaluation station

This week has been quite the week.

Tuesday, I was looking forward to a day off from work and getting Carter's psych evaluation out of the way. As luck would have it Tom and I developed food poisoning from a bad batch of milk and it lasted until Wednesday, ugh. We persevered on and took our sweet boy out to his appointment and I may have taken a nap in the waiting room while he did his alone portion of the eval. We don't know anything from this appt. but we will learn more when we return for a follow up on Nov. 19th.

Wednesday, I stayed home from work due to above food poisoning incident which I didn't realize of course that it was milk until I had two more servings. I thought I'd have a lovely day of relaxation and  resting while the poison got out of my system. Then the roofers came and installed a roof...all day long.

Today, I took a half day from work to continue with evaluations. This time through the school district for Carter's IEP. He had a speech eval and then met with the occupational therapist. He was by himself for both evaluations but I did get to speak with the occupational therapist at the end because she had more questions for me about Carter. I was interested to find out that there is a term for Carter's behavior and admittedly it made me cry when I came home and read more into it. She mentioned his behavior suggested he may have Proprioceptive Dysfunction. If you know Carter you will read that article in the link and say to yourself "Holy Shit, he does all of these things!" With this new bit of information I'm now wondering what is next for my boy? What does this mean for him?

As if we don't have enough going on in life I attended "Leadership Orientation" for Girl Scouts. I'm really trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. 

yasssss!

So, my pants DON'T fit and it's because they are TOO big. This is heaven.

I realized over the past weeks that my pants have been feeling more loose. I thought they were just getting old and worn out. Then, my Mom sent me new pants for my birthday and they were super loose. Well, come to find out I've lost nearly THIRTY pounds. I didn't really think I had done anything much different in my life, but now that I'm some how by a miracle of God shedding this weight it has motivated me to keep pushing forward. 

Some of my friends will never believe what I'm about to say next; are you ready for this? I. drink. water. Insert shreaks here. I've began to drink water throughout the day and it's not all that horrible. I also take the steps at work all the time. This is something that would never occur previously. Every day at work I take the steps and think I just may die but I haven't given up.

So pray for my soul that I keep up the good work. 'Cause I really don't want to be one of those heavy set ladies walking with a cane.

(Please note pants pulled way up and handfuls of material in the legs) 

tenth

Ten years of anything in life is a long time. Ten years of marriage goes by in a blink. A BLINK. We started this journey together back in September of 1998 as two stupid kids who couldn't be separated. After six years together we finally got married. Today, I've been flooded with memories of this life together. We had struggles with infertility and after many failed attempts and a surgery we were blessed with three beautiful children. We've moved four times and the latest and greatest being nearly 1,200 miles away from our family. We've been broke and we've been flush. It's been a good life, with a fair share of hardships and blessings. I'm so thankful the hardships didn't break us and the blessings continue to pour in.  

Cheers to my husband that he continues to love me for many, many more years...

cheers to October

It's the most wonderful month ever created, no?

Tommy-gun found a job this past week, whoop-whoop! Since accepting his current job he's been contacted for three other jobs, true story. 

October makes me miss my besties something fierce. It's a time when we meet for my birthday and spend a day in Lancaster shopping and eating. Our little tradition. There will be none of that this year.

I'll be turning THIRTY on the 12th of this month; who'd of thunk. Talking with my Dad he reminded me "I'm getting old" and then followed it with a "shit, I'm getting old...I'm 64." That man cracks me up.

Other fun events this month are Tom and I's 10th wedding anniversary on the 9th. It's so funny to think about time and all that it swallows up. I feel like we were just married and here it is 10 years and three babies later. 

I'm still on my quest for an awesome church like we had back in Delaware. There are a TON of baptist mega churches and approx. two churches in the PCA. One of the churches is Korean. Ho-hum....navigating new churches is kind of scary. 

Han and Car are doing soccer now, this has been a fun experience. They have their second game this coming Saturday and at last nights practice Carter scored his first goal!

A Shimmering Glimmer of Hope!?!?

We finally moved to Missouri, lets add this to the blogs record books! A long time dream of Tom and I that finally came true. We've been here since the end of July and still love it just as much and are thankful that the grass was greener on the other side.

Hannah and Carter have started school. Hannie is doing really good, I love her teacher and how her school is run is just the best! Carter is having a harder time at school but that's his norm. He started the 2nd of this month and we've already had two reports of bad behavior. No doubt his teacher probably thinks he has no home training; I'm hopeful it gets better soon. Amelia is such a curious little girl, she's ready for school but is being ornery about the whole potty training as of late. Hopefully soon we can dedicate a weekend to potty.

I recently found a new pediatrician. At first I was questioning my decision when the obnoxious receptionist canceled my appt but we were re-scheduled for the next day and the doctor is WONDERFUL! He's an older, no non-sense gentleman. He saw right off the bat that Carter needs some help so we are getting ready to go through more pysch evals and therapy. I think in my own mind I've finally made peace with knowing there is nothing I could have done differently to change him and that's okay. So we'll be swimming in IEP's, evaluations and doctors appointments for the near future as we look to find a solution and restore some semblance of order in our household. 

As some of you know Carter has not been diagnosed officially with anything due to age, needing more input, etc. The new doctor is leaning towards possible depression and oppositional defiance disorder. The ODD was no surprise as I'm familiar with that behaviour from other kiddos in my life but the depression I had to google. Guys, he has nearly every "sign/symptom." Of course more will be evaluated to see if that's the case but I would say from what I've been reading that is the most fitting and unfortunately it runs in the family so it's not that far off. 

Tom has not found a new job as of yet so please keep us in your prayers with all the changes that are going on in our lives, we really appreciate it!