Progress Report with a Dash of History

(The Progress Report)

I'm back on track with my weight-loss and so thankful for that. I lost 5ish pounds since last week and am feeling "skinnier," even if it is all in my head ;)

I stumbled quite a bit for the past few months and have been yo-yoing with my weight since about End of July/August. I'm not sure if it was that realization or my new hair cut but I managed to get my butt back in gear and that is what counts.

My initially stumbling was due to your typical pit-falls: vacations, birthdays, more vacations, day trips, weddings, birthdays, repeat, repeat, justify, justify, justify.

I feel good about it once again and hope that feeling stays around awhile!

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(The History)

I first started to become heavy as a child, around age 10 or 11. I was molested and never told anyone.  Instead I chose to eat through my feelings because that is what I could control. By age 12 I was gigantic or so I felt.  In 6th/7th grade I wore a size 18. It was then that I first started "dieting."

It started out with the vegetable soup diet, I lost a good amount of weight on this diet. Then I started taking Meridia around 8th grade into 9th grade to aid me in my weight loss. By the time 9th grade rolled around and I was starting high school I was a magical size 12 and I really felt a lot better about myself. I was "skinny" or so I thought and had a great high school experience. My diet in high school was less than stellar, I would eat cereal bars for breakfast and a diet coke with a butterscotch krimpet for lunch (most days). This was the picture of nutrition.

I ballooned back up slowly but surely and can't quite remember where it all went wrong but I think that in 12th grade spanning into life after high school I became gigantic once again.

For a good while I stayed around a 22/24. Then after a few years of infertility and treatment for such I started to balloon even  further. I finally topped out around 26/28 and even had a few pants that were size 28.  I couldn't believe I let myself get this way. Finally I started to lose weight, lost 30 pounds got pregnant, had baby, lost weight, gained weight.  Lost weight again, had another baby, lost baby weight, gained more weight. It's a vicious cycle. I fell into the trap every time.

This time around I really felt called to lose this weight, my journey started around May and from May to July I lost 35 pounds! I was ecstatic! It was then that I really started looking at the real issue of where this weight issue started in the first place. Being molested. I had never dealt with it. I had told next to no one and it had taken me 16 years to tell my parents. That is insane when I think about it that way.

Finally after all of  these years I'm dealing with it and it stinks. I still  cry when I talk about it, the shame, sadness and anger that I have carried around for all of these years has really taken a toll on my heart. I've gotten to a point where I'm at a stale mate with myself,  Do I continue to go to counseling to deal? What do I expect to come of it? Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel normal? Right now I don't think it will and if I could step into a mind erasing machine, I would.  Since I can't change what I have experienced as a child and the impact that it has left on me; I'll focus on changing my body and I'll need tons of prayer to help me with that!

I know good will come of this someday, I just wish that someday would happen soon.