The Letter...

Dear Rachel, I am writing to you instead of calling because I want the opportunity to relay my thought in a clear, concise manner without interruption. I will try to remain as inoffensive as possible. 

The thing that really got to me and the reason I chose to write to you was in regards to your phone call informing me of your abortion. I don’t think that you had any right to lay the burden on my shoulders of what I feel is a sinful act of violence towards an innocent life. Especially when you know that I am trying to obtain the very life you threw away. I feel that your attempt at justifying what you did only makes you look worse. It appeared to me that you were only lying to justify yourself to me. In my opinion, the only reason you had the abortion is because you are no longer with the father and you didn’t want to look bad. I understand that this will be something that you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life and I hope you ask the Lord’s forgiveness.  For what it is worth I hope you’ll take the following advice seriously. 

It is my belief that your many issues with men stem from your own actions. You say I love you long before you ever give those feelings time to develop. Perhaps your relationships would last longer if you allowed more time to get to know one another. Even if it takes not sleeping with them until you are married. You should know by now that most men are out to get one thing and if you haven’t learned that in 23 years, I wonder if you ever will. If a man leaves you just because you WON’T sleep with them, then they weren’t worth being with in the first place. I would also like to point out that whatever illnesses you think you have are all in your head. If the Doctors can’t find anything medically wrong with you, then that is just it, there is nothing wrong with you. I hope that you stop your addiction to Percoset. I am wondering if that is making you feel worse.  

I would venture to say that what you’re really going after is love, attention and kindness, things you never received from your mother. But there comes a time when you need to move on from what has happened to you in the past. I would even go so far as to say you should seek out a therapist to work through these issues. Finally, I believe that you need to redefine, for your own self, what a friend is. Friendship is a two-way street, where both people have the opportunity to vent and console one another. This “friendship” between you and I over the last couple of months has been the exact opposite of how I would choose to have a friendship with you. You have done nothing but complain about your life all the while giving me very little opportunity to tell you of mine. So not only have I had to bear the burden of my own trials and tribulations, I’ve had to bear yours as well (one of the reasons I stopped talking to Leann). I feel at this time I am unable and unwilling to carry this friendship with someone so selfish. I hope that you take what I have said here and apply it in order to become a better person.  

                                                                Sincerely,                                                                 

P.S. If it is love that you are searching for perhaps you should know the Bibles definition: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 

I hope this will help you as you choose relationships in the future.

I also included this on a seperate sheet of paper:

Something you should know about women dealing with Infertility:

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my infertility, and to ask what you can do to help.


2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me.  The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears.  You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you.  Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.


3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life.  I need my friends and family by my side.


4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs.  I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.


5. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.


6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal.  Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.


7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children.


8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief.  I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.


9. The days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me.  I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope.  Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.


10. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey.  We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God.  I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.


11. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain.  These are just temporary crutches.  The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it.  I have to hurt before I can heal.


12. I wish you understood that infertility changes people.  I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again.  If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated.  I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.