another chapter

You know, I've debated whether I want to write about this and initially I wasn't going to. But now I feel like it's starting to eat at my thoughts and if I can write down what's going on it will help me to get it out and breath a little easier. And by chance it may end up helping me later on down the line with a problem that I don't yet know exists.

It's about Carter. I love him, as much as any mother loves her son. That part goes without saying.

We've been struggling for three years with different issues and noticing quirky things here and there. Tom and I finally decided to call our local children's hospital to have him evaluated. It was oddly a hard decision for me. I think as a parent you only want to ever see the good in your children. The thought of something being "wrong" no matter how major or minor throws me off a bit. Even now I still find myself in denial and telling myself there's nothing wrong and then that quirky particular-ness comes out and reassures me I'm doing the right thing. Answers are better than questions, right?

I called around the end of November and was put on the waiting list. Last week we finally got the call wanting to know if we could come in that Friday for the initial behavioral consultation. Tom and I agreed to the 45 minute long consult and started to map out the days events. Like most things in life they rarely go according to our plans. It snowed that morning and DelDot didn't bother to salt the roads and I think we were a total of 25 minutes late for the appointment that we waited six weeks to have scheduled. They were very understanding and let us have our appointment, albeit shortened, it was kind of them just the same. In that short amount of time the clinician picked up on two concerns. One was speech which was the one I expected the other of all things was possible OCD.

It was like a light bulb went off. I never, not once, thought of him to have OCD. It makes perfect sense the way he needs to have things just so and why no matter the amount of reprimand the same events happen.

A few main triggers Tom and I have picked up on:

• cutting his food...don't do this ever
• sticky/dirty hands
• the potty is "gross"

There are more things than that but those are the big ones that we see the biggest breakdown about. It's like watching a child have a tantrum but to the tenth power. I don't know that you can truly appreciate what I'm talking about without seeing it. Fortunately, I guess I'll use that word, the clinician had the chance to see one of the "potty is gross" meltdowns complete with Carter shoving and hitting my legs while screaming at me and crying. It was super fun and made me want to cry right there in the doctor's office. It hurts my heart that he may have to deal with having "issues" and he's only three.

Once that appointment concluded they wanted to go ahead and set up an appointment for a psychological evaluation with them. I was also given the information to call the school district to start the process for the speech and developmental studies. 

I called the district and they ordered the speech and developmental studies and we are now on a two week waiting list to have that done. The lady was very kind and gave me a lot of useful information over the phone about how the process works. Today the children's hospital called to make his psychological evaluation appointment. It's not until March and we will be there for 3-4 hours when the day finally comes. I got the call at work and even though I knew it was coming it still had a little sting. Hearing the woman tell me she was calling to "set up Carter's psychological evaluation" just seemed like the words didn't belong together.

So here we sit in the research phase, I'm trying to take it all in stride but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little scary. Next stop will be a behavioral study on the 22nd of this month, time will tell.