And Then The Least Expected Happens...

Most of you that read this blog regularly know that I am "infertile." This is due to a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

Almost everyone I know has been very supportive through this trying time that I have had with all of this. I thank you all. I have cried, on several occasions with snot running down my face to my best friends, my husband and my mom. It is probably the most frustrating thing that I have EVER had to deal with in my life. The worst part is, is that it is my own body, it can not be blamed on anyone else, it is my fault, something that God has given me to deal with.  I know that he chose me because I am strong, I can handle this. At times I feel like I can go no further dealing with this, but I do. I could sit around and let depression swell over me but I don't and I won't.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what it is like to try for years to get pregnant and it doesn't happen, unless they or someone they know has gone through this. This is evident to me with everyday life and how careless some people are in the way that they treat you. They will ask you how everything is going with trying to get pregnant and in the next breath they will tell you that they are pregnant or trying, or they will tell you, yeah I think I might have a second child.  In which your broken heart breaks a little more and you think to yourself really did you just say this all in one breath? But they did and they will because they are ignorant to the way that you feel and how hard this is on you. I can't blame them I suppose, they are so caught in what they are feeling that they don't care about me. That's fine, because I too am so caught in how awful I feel that I don't care about the happiness they are feeling. Selfish, perhaps.

But then yesterday something different happened. My friend Kathy who I have been friends with for about four years instant messages me at work and we are talking back and forth. She always asks me how is everything going with the doctors, am I pregnant, am I going back to the doctors, etc. And then the least expected happened, I just finished telling her that whatever happens, happens. I am putting it in God's hands, I won't rush him anymore, obviously he has a plan for me that for right now does not involve children. She wrote back, I will have a baby for you. I wrote, Thanks, I think I might cry. She wrote, I am being serious, I understand that it would be your egg and Tom's sperm and I would just be carrying it for you. To which I replied, Thank you, I know you are serious, I will keep that in mind. She then reassured me again that she was very serious and that she wanted to do that for me if I wanted her to.

Can you believe that? I can't believe that she loves me so much that she would carry my baby for me! I was so in awe of her caring gesture that I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It seemed like such a random conversation to have on a Monday morning, but it was very meaningful to me. I will keep what she says in mind and when I completely exhaust my efforts on my end, I am quite sure that I will turn to her. It is nice to know that I have that to fall back on and that maybe if things don't work out for me she will be able to help Tom and I have a baby.