dog and pony show

It struck me two days ago as I do my sometimes-frequent run down on why I hate working, while driving to said work that: I don't want to work anymore. Period. End-of-Sentence. Insert hilarious laughter here as that ain't gonna happen...but maybe it could?

Let's take a moment to plan the future shall we? What if Tom does get a job at GM in Wentzville which my Mama is currently working towards? What if we sell our house here in Delaware and buy a much less expensive property in Missouri? What if said property has a horse barn? What if I buy two Shetland ponies and start my own business providing hand led pony rides for special events like children's birthday parties? And maybe start breeding Collies? Is this complete crazy talk and I'm hitting a quarter life crisis?

Back in reality-land...whose to say what my future holds but I'm really good with animals and always have been.  Shouldn't I be using one of the talents God has given me? I threw this plan out to Tom and he responded via text with an "I see." I think that may be husband code for no?!?! Then I texted Mom the idea and she replied via text "Check the insurance on that. It would be fun." I think this may be code for my daughter's lost her mind. Then I finally talked to my Dad about it over dinner and being his typical voice of doom..."You're luck, somebody would sue you." Then he listed about five other scenarios of doom and pretty much poo-pooed the idea. I see a lot of research in my future.


I then suggested that maybe I could:

1. Start breeding show dogs
2. Open my own petting zoo
3. Build an aviary in said imaginary barn and breed birds again
4. Open a horse trail/four wheeler trail on imaginary Missouri property and charge admission
5. Rent horse stalls out in the imaginary barn

Yes, No, Maybe So? Anybody have any other ideas?

That's Life

Ah, life as a nearly single parent while taking care of your 85 year old grandmother. It the bees-knees for sure I promise you. It's so funny how life's timing has played out since I've been living with the 'rents. Mom takes off for Missouri to work for two months or as I've called it from the beginning she'll be there two years, ha! Dad has been gone for two weeks to Massachusetts with the exception of Saturday and Sunday. Tom has been put on a dumb schedule (2nd shift) of 10 days on and 4 days off which makes the 10 days on feel like a very long time. Needless to say I haven't made much progress with the house, this is my number one priority this weekend.

Carter has been doing SO good in school. He's super excited about it and loves to go everyday. I'm pretty sure if I let him live there he would. Today in school from what I could gather from my father in law and Carter someone hit him or did something to him. I couldn't get a clear story as it seemed to keep changing and I can't always understand Carter's words. None the less he doesn't seem to be phased by it which is good, kids are kids. He has a special education aide on Monday and Friday and a speech therapist on Wednesday to help him out. Both ladies always give me good reports so hopefully he continues to have a good year.

Hannah discovered yesterday that she's "different." It was so funny to watch her tell me how she's the only girl (in her class of all girls) that uses her left hand. Thankfully Amelia is also a lefty so I shared with her that Amelia uses her left hand as does Aunt Karly and Aunt Emily. A short list of folks that I know, but it seemed to make her feel better. She's been working on vowels and "blends" (ta, bu, mi) in school...the first couple days were rough. Today was a little better so hopefully our nightly review combined with her daily school work will make it easier on her and she'll be reading in no time!

Miss Amelia Bedelia...also known as mean baby or monkey do. She is the funniest, most hard headed-ornery butt. Copies EVERYTHING Carter does, EVERYTHING. She talks up a storm and is very clear with her words. If you aren't paying enough attention to her, she'll hit you or someone to get said attention. For the most part she's stopped hitting her immediate family but will gladly wallop her cousins or a child in nursery. She does all of her hitting and not listening with the sweetest smile which makes it almost comical to watch. We're definitely in the terrible two's with my little chickie...hopefully it passes quickly.

Granny, my adopted child, is hilarious. Week one she was messing with her medicine and overdosed. Week two she took too little. Week three she had a prescription refill and she couldn't understand why the doctor called her in new medicine. Me and my mom both tried to tell her on different occasions that it was just a refill of what she already had. Hopefully it clicked. Granny has a tendency to follow Tom and I around the house. If we are in the living room or kitchen she comes out and stares at us or stands in the way in which we're trying to walk. At first I thought maybe she didn't trust us and felt the need to watch us. But I've now decided that she just may want some company or to see if she can help with the kids or whatever is going on. She can't really do much but she still has the desire to do everything that she used to do.

My favorite moment of the day:
Granny: I couldn't get that Neapolitan ice cream open earlier today
Me: Awe, that stinks Granny
G: There is ice cream cones in there
Me: Do you want me to make you an ice cream cone?
BLANK STARE...I get up and walk closer
Me: Do you want me to make you an ice cream cone, it's no trouble?
G: Oh yeah...just chocolate and while you're in there make yourself one

Mind you she just had a chocolate frosty from Wendy's not 30 minutes earlier. I tried to hide my laughter and dutifully made her an ice cream cone, with just the chocolate ice cream of course.

I've decided I don't want to grow old it has to be so insanely frustrating. I'll keep my cyanide pills at the ready for when time comes.

It's School Time/Progress

Hannah started Kindergarten and wears a UNIFORM.  This feels like craziness, why is she growing so much. Carter started preschool today and is gone all day and carries a lunch box and book bag...how can this be?!!?! He did really well today on his first day of preschool. I'm so proud of him and happy that he wants to go and enjoys it. He has speech therapy tomorrow so hopefully he does well with that. Hannah of course loves school AND homework. She's a strange child, just like me when I was a kid :)

The house is coming along. We moved out with the exception of furniture and a large portion of our stuff and have started painting and cleaning....and cleaning and cleaning. We meet with the realtor on Saturday so hopefully we'll have this puppy on the market pretty soon.

Here We Go!

This weekend we will officially start taking steps to move to Missouri, yay! We are cleaning and repairing so that we can get this house on the market. Hoping to have it done and on the market within the next week or two. Fingers crossed.

My Dad has been cracking me up over the potential relocation. Rest assured he has given me a minimum of five lectures on the topic and I'm sure they'll be many more in my future.Without him I would have never known that I need a job, benefits and MONEY to move...who'd a thunk it. Here I am hoping to live in a van down by the river, eating berries and small animals to survive.

In case anyone out there is wondering why we want to move (a few have asked), let's count the ways shall we (in no particular order):

1. Houses in DE are too expensive
2. We need a four bedroom house
3. The school district we live in sucks
4. Private school is crazy expensive
5. Tom and I both love Missouri
6. I need wide open spaces
7. No offense to my fellow Delawarean but quite a lot of you act very ghetto. Sorry/Not Sorry, learn manners
8. We've both worked at our current jobs for ten years...this is crazy talk and we need change
9. We are only 30 and 28 life is to be enjoyed in a place you will enjoy it best
10. I'd like to try living closer to the rest of my family for a change

I don't know where we'll work, I don't know what town we'll live in but we'll have all that hammered out before we pack up three kids, three cats and a dog to head west.

So there you have it. It's starting; let's see what the next year and a half brings...good Lord willing of course.

my brain hurts

A few updates on Carter:

Tom and I finally heard back from the speech and development screening the school district performed in March. A couple of weeks ago we met with a group of folks who went over everything with us. Carter has an IEP in place for the coming school year. He will initially have an aide/therapist (what do you call this person?) working with him one day a week. We had him registered for two half days a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) and are now looking to see if we can bump that up to five full days a week. The school district advised it best to keep him in private school but to increase his time there during the week. They seem very confident we will see improvements with his speech, etc. This all seems well and good so I'm excited this part of life seems to be under control.

The behavior clinics we've been attending are starting to feel like a joke. Recent advice has included letting Carter punch a pillow when he gets angry or to squeeze a squeeze toy when he is going to pinch. I don't see either of these suggestions happening in my future. The solution to him not going to bed is to increase his bed time to a later time!?!?!? Tom and I both left there feeling like these recommendations would just worsen the current issues. I think I'll just figure my own game plan out at this rate.

Other news:

Hannah's last week of preschool is this coming week and she'll be a kindergartner!!! I'm so excited for her!

Amelia is a crazy smart baby and a little sweetie. I can't believe she'll be two in November. I cradled her in my arms like a baby the other day and thought she was way to big already :(

My Granny has not been doing so well for about a month now. She was in the hospital for about a week and had moved today to a rehabilitation facility. She has Parkinson's/Dementia issues going on and had recently seemed like she was going absolutely crazy. The doctors said that it could be her Parkinson's medicine making her that way in combination with her thyroid levels being completely out of whack. To top it all off she developed a UTI so it was the perfect storm of things going on that her body couldn't quite handle. We are still not quite sure what may come in the long run but she is starting to seem more like her old self so we're hoping she'll recover and leave the rehabilitation center after some therapy...her weight has dropped to 88 pounds.

I was hired for a new job within my current company and will no longer be a supervisor and to tell the truth, I'm excited. My new venture will begin this coming Monday :)

Missouri Bound? Maybe, Eventually

This weekend Tom had off of work, hooray! I threw it out to him that I really hate living in Delaware and want to move to "The Promised Land" (as my Dad calls it). Tom said lets go for it.

So here we are again planning how we can escape this life in Delaware for a new one in Missouri. I plan on phasing out our stay here in DE.

• Phase 1 sell our house
• Phase 2 pay off debt and save money
• Phase three find jobs and a new house

Sounds crazy, but good Lord willing it will happen. So any of you Missouri folks have any tips on jobs that are in need or good places to live...let us know :)

the not yet diagnosed, diagnosis

Tom and I had our parent conference for Carter with the psychologists today.

He is currently not diagnosed with really anything substantial in my opinion. He was technically diagnosed with "Disruptive Behavior Disorder." I'm pretty sure that's the diagnosis they give so insurance covers the bill.

He did have average to above average ratings in certain areas of development and would have scored higher for some of the average ratings if he would have said what the word of an item was instead of what that item does; IE hammer is nail-nail. In other things like aggression, ability to make friends, socialization, odd play behavior, etc he scored very poor. Which made the doctors concerned, hence the above diagnosis. They did say he is at a high potential for being on the autism spectrum because of some of the things he currently displays. That diagnosis was not made because he's on the cusp of normal and not normal behavior. I think they need more input besides Tom and I's opinions and of course from what they observed. We were left as a wait and see on that issue. If school finds issue or we grow more concerned in time (like a year or so) then we will go back and have him checked out again. They did say they would then make an addendum to the original diagnosis and go from there if it was warranted.

We haven't received our official report; that will be ready Friday and will include their findings, recommendations etc. They would like him to socialize a lot more and with consistent peers so that he is able to make friends.  The sooner the better because if we wait until Fall we will have lost five months.

The irony of him possibly being on the spectrum and that it's "Autism Awareness Day" is not lost on me.

red again, amongst other things

Sheesh, so we're still doing our Friday appointments with Carter with the exception of last Friday because work has been a mother and I couldn't get away. The Friday before that we took Amelia with us for the first time. The appointment went pretty well I thought. He did have a time out for throwing toys but recovered quickly. Other than that no great changes, good or bad, in behavior. The over abundance of praising was mentioned again. This time in the form of keeping a little chart on an index card that you take with you to the store and give him a star every time he does something well. I must have less brain cells then other Moms out there because I have a hard time paying attention to all three kids while shopping for food and also remembering to praise my child for sitting still. Maybe with practice.

Carter's face is red again, I could just say a thousand cusses. I noticed it did look a little red and thought it could be strawberries because I hadn't bought them in a little while. Then I gave him watermelon and bumps appeared. At first I wonder to myself, "really? how much more must this child endure?" And then I'm like "settle down sailor, this ain't the end of the world." So I sucked up my frustration and scheduled him to have allergy testing again. I never really cared for his last allergist and felt they did the testing too soon to the time that we gave Carter benadryl. We'll be visiting the new allergist in May and avoiding red fruits until then.

Amelia is a comical little child. She's like a little quiet observer and just when you think you've got everyone entertained and occupied you notice her trying to scale the dining room table. Clearly climbing furniture is much more fun than any toy we can supply. She would also make an excellent homeless person as she is in the dig-through-trash-and-eat-what-she-can-find stage. Mmm, yum! Yesterday, she was enthralled with a sight book with different pictures of just about everything and was pointing and talking to herself. I wish I would have recorded her because it was too cute.

Hannah-banana is my little sidekick, I can't believe she's five and going to be in kindergarten next year. Where have these years gone? She is addicted to using sharpies and recently asked for an entire set of them from Staples, I'm sure to rue this purchase ;) Han really loves school and learning about God. I think we had a 20 minute or more discussion about Jesus dying on the cross. Not quite sure she understands it completely but baby steps, the seeds are being planted.

I recently received a call back to schedule the results of Carter psych evaluation. They offered this past 22nd of March or April 2nd or 5th. I was ready to jump on the 22nd but knew with Tom's firm work schedule there may not be enough room to budge with a 2:00 appointment. This week is my attempt at patience, I'm trying not to be antsy but wanting desperately to know what the doctors have to say. April 2nd at 2:00 Tom and I will meet with the doctors and hear what's going on with our boy.

I feel Tom and I are doing the best for our children and have had a few friends, family and even doctors tell us we are doing the right thing and that it's good we started now. Then you have the one conversation with your dearest, oldest friend right there in the middle of the Whole Foods cheese department where you are both in tears because she is just SO proud of you as a Mom and thinks you're doing a great job. Those are the reassuring moments you need most. That touched my heart so deeply that I cry now just reliving it in my mind.

Well that the highlights of our lives right at this second, folks. Let's please pray for Carter and all that is going on and maybe for me to have continued patience and understanding with everything being thrown our way ;)

That Was Quick

As I sleepily drug myself out of bed I wondered where on earth the weekend went? Losing one hour in order to spring forward feels like I sprung forward an entire day. Sheesh, I need Monday off to recover. :)

Friday...

Tom, Carter and I headed off for our now weekly behaviour clinic. We had a new rotation come through and now have a new clinician. Her name is Glori Gray which is an awesome name for a super hero. Unfortunately, this was the worst appt we've had thus far. Carter doesn't like change, it gives him terrible anxiety, and he was acting up quite a bit meeting with our new "lady." As a result of the gigantic 6" x 2" block being lunged at her lip we got to focus on time outs for this appointment. The one thing I didn't care for was the advice to remove him from a situation. If you're at a restaurant or a store and he starts to misbehave and you can't get him under control we should give him a time out in the store or make him sit in the car. WTH? This may be fantastic advice for a Mama with one kiddo but not when you have two others to wrangle, usually without your husband. I think I need to meditate on that advice a little more because I left the children's hospital feeling quite defeated and wondering when we won't need to do these modifications to our lives. I'm beginning to realize that answer is never, this is our lives now.


Saturday...

A better day, hooray! We packed up all the kiddos and headed to Washington DC to spend time in the American Girl doll store. Hannah picked her birthday activity since we don't do big parties anymore. She had a fun time getting her doll's hair styled and picking out new things to use her birthday money on. Tom and I got her the Saige doll as her present and she is on cloud nine still over the trip. I was hopeful the day would go well and Carter did really good with a minor meltdown of anxiety at the restaurant. Thankfully, after about 15-20 minutes I got him to settle down. It was a very fun day!


Sunday...

Started off with Nursery duty at church with Hannah and Amelia. Hannah went to the Kid's Church for the first time since she is now five. She absolutely loved it and talked the entire ride home and then some about what she learned. Proudly declaring she is a daughter of God and that boys are sons of God. She can't wait for next week. Sweet little Amelia, she makes life so easy on me not a peep out of her, I love her. After church, followed by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we headed to BJ's. We shop at BJ's all the time and never have an incident out of the kids. This visit was really weird and something I've not experienced with Carter before. He is telling us in a worried tone, not loud at all, that he wants to go home and then proceeds to lightly whimper and repeat that he wants to go home, over and over again. His face looked so sad and terrified. Tom and I looked at each other for answers and I told him that he never does this when we come here. Inside I'm thinking "Dear Lord, not another thing, please!" I really dont' know why he was acting so terrified but I hope this isn't the beginning of something new going on with him. My poor guy, I need answers! Sometime after the super quick trip to BJ's, Tom and I headed out to our first IMAX movie. The Great and Powerful OZ was wonderful but I couldn't shake James Franco being a drug using/dealer out of my head from Pineapple Express. Am I the only one? Other than that is was wonderful!

How was your weekend?

One, Two, Three, Four...Fifth!

Hannah celebrated her fifth birthday yesterday, her golden birthday! She went to school with cupcakes and treat bags in tow. We picked her up from school with a large bouquet of balloons. Had lunch at her favorite place-Red Robins. Traveled to Best Buy to pick up Wreck it Ralph at which time the balloon bouquet decided to exit the car. Bought a second bouquet of balloons. Came home and played before heading to the mall later in the evening. Hopefully she had a great birthday despite the balloons blowing away and a few other minor disasters.

Carter had his psychological evaluation while Hannah was at school and my Mom watched Amelia. Nothing to really report about that, it was surprisingly the easiest part of my day. They let him play while they talked to us. We then implemented a clean up time that went pretty well. Next, they tested him while he was buckled into a high chair and all the toys were taken out of the room. They showed him a book with pictures and asked him questions, they worked with red and white blocks, etc. He did not care to be buckled in the high chair and was getting angry at the lady for not letting him out. Tom and I filled out about seven pages of questions in regards to his behavior and then we went to the playground to see how he does in a playground setting. From there we left. The evaluation lasted around two and a half hours. They will give us a call to have us come back and talk about what they found during his evaluation.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, I think the easiest part of the day was taking Carter to the Children's Hospital which is saying a lot. After the balloons blew away the day went downhill from there. I cut my finger (which still hurts), Carter jumped on my back (which also still hurts), Carter choked and threw up at the dinner table because of his paper eating obsession and to top it all off he jumped into the mall water fountain and was completely drenched and choking on water. Yeah, it was a long day for sure.

I'm sure one day I'll look back and laugh at some of these shenanigans but today is not that day.

p.r.i.d.e.

Our weekly behavior clinic appointment was today.

Today went really well, we learned about P.R.I.D.E. It is basically a way to provide your child with a "special time" that you dedicate to just your child everyday. It's a little different then the normal playing with your kids that we do. It is one on one and no other kids are to be around. During this particular time you announce that it is time for "special time." You then let the child lead the activity, it could be playing trucks or using the toy kitchen; whatever they want to do. You do not ask them any questions, not even things like "Is that a horse?" You don't give any commands and you don't discipline or correct them. If they pick up a horse and say "look a giraffe," you would reply "Yes, you think that's a giraffe."
P.R.I.D.E represents:

• Praise appropriate behavior
• Reflect appropriate talk 
• Imitate appropriate play
• Describe appropriate behavior
• be Enthusiastic

Playtime stops immediately if there is aggressive/destructive behavior. If its something minor liking throwing a cup, ignore that and wait for them to pick the cup up. When they do let them know they did a good job picking the cup up and that you really like that.

I will say, I'm not a SUPER enthusiastic person, ever. It feels like all of the advice Tom and I have received is making us much better at giving praise and being enthusiastic. This new type of parenting feels like we praise the tiniest thing; "Thanks for walking quietly in the hallway." Which to me is not something I would normally think to praise. However, I've come to realize that the constant affirmation of good behavior is deterring some (not all) negative behavior. It's been a good thing for our family and I'm anxious to hear more advice.

Plans for next week include a four hour psychological evaluation on Tuesday and another behavior clinic on Friday. We're making progress :)

speech & development

First experience with the speech folks went pretty well. They picked up on the speech issues pretty quickly.


What Carter is doing with his words is adding "gah and/or kah" where it doesn't belong. A few examples:

• ackle for apple
• Hangah for Hannah
• nanga for banana

He also tends to say what something does instead of saying the name of the item. A few examples:

• Banana is nanga-peel
• soda is soda-spill
• hammer is nail-nail

The developmental issue was harder for them to get a "score" on because he is "so busy." Which basically boils down to the fact that he is attention-deficit. He has that compulsive urge to wonder about looking at what he want and he isn't hearing and absorbing the information he is being given.

Our next step will be a meeting to discuss what they found during this study and to discuss any services that Carter will qualify for. He may possibly qualify for the Head Start Program, etc.

At home we will be working on:

• Clapping out our words so that we are slowing down and providing better articulation when we are teaching him
• Bringing items to our face to talk about them and speaking slowly and clearly. This will help him to look at our face and get his attention
• Practicing sounds and using our lips to show him "pppp, Apple." etc...

behavior modification...for everyone

We had our second visit today with the behavior clinic at our local children's hospital. It was a good visit and we received a lot of tips and advice on what to do with Carter. She refers to him as a more "spirited" child and because of this Tom and I need to modify the way that we parent. Once we modify the way be parent we should then see the effects the change has on Carter. Somethings she said we are currently doing so no change is needed. Other things we need to do that we are not currently doing. I'm a little anxious about the whole process but more so to see if this helps with the oppositional behavior.

Things we'll be working on:

• Praising quiet play and telling him "Carter thank you so much for playing quietly, you're doing such a good job rolling your truck." This will affirm his behavior when he's behaving well and also help him with his speech/development to show him you're rolling a truck.Which also means quiet time is no longer time for washing dishes or throwing a load of laundry in. We will need to be near him, watching what he is doing and praising the quiet, good behavior.
• Ignoring bad behavior. For instance if Carter is rolling a truck you praise him for doing a good job but if he then begins to bang his truck into the wall you ignore him. When he plays nicely again you then praise him for doing a good job.
• Forcing him to work through his anxiety. When he doesn't want to go to the bathroom because it is "yucky" we force him to sit on the toilet any ways. This was one we currently do but can also be applied to other compulsive behavior. He has a tendency to do things in a certain way and she said that we should encourage him to get out of those behaviors as well. For example he puts all of his cars away and then puts the animal toys away last. We need to help him to push through having things in a certain order.
• Avoid using "no, don't, stop, behave, gentle" words. Instead if he's touching things you tell him to put his hands in his pockets or in his lap. This way you are giving him a specific direction to take instead of telling him he can't do something.
• No yelling, this one is obvious but is sometimes hard to achieve.
• Work on timeouts taking place on a chair or special spot as opposed to sending him to his room.
• Don't phrase things as a question but as a command. Instead of saying things like: "I think, we should, lets" you would say: "It is time to clean up" and then follow it with a certain task, "put the blocks in the bucket."
• Never give more than one command at a time as that will cause confusion and don't give too many commands so that he feels like he is constantly being corrected.
• Never use complex words that he will not understand, simple, short words are best.
• Be consistent.

I think this will be good. While some of these behavior changes are obvious, unless you hear it from someone you may not notice that the way you are phrasing your words can be an issue.

If this doesn't help and we are still receiving a lot of opposition we will be venturing down a different path.

To be continued next Friday...

another chapter

You know, I've debated whether I want to write about this and initially I wasn't going to. But now I feel like it's starting to eat at my thoughts and if I can write down what's going on it will help me to get it out and breath a little easier. And by chance it may end up helping me later on down the line with a problem that I don't yet know exists.

It's about Carter. I love him, as much as any mother loves her son. That part goes without saying.

We've been struggling for three years with different issues and noticing quirky things here and there. Tom and I finally decided to call our local children's hospital to have him evaluated. It was oddly a hard decision for me. I think as a parent you only want to ever see the good in your children. The thought of something being "wrong" no matter how major or minor throws me off a bit. Even now I still find myself in denial and telling myself there's nothing wrong and then that quirky particular-ness comes out and reassures me I'm doing the right thing. Answers are better than questions, right?

I called around the end of November and was put on the waiting list. Last week we finally got the call wanting to know if we could come in that Friday for the initial behavioral consultation. Tom and I agreed to the 45 minute long consult and started to map out the days events. Like most things in life they rarely go according to our plans. It snowed that morning and DelDot didn't bother to salt the roads and I think we were a total of 25 minutes late for the appointment that we waited six weeks to have scheduled. They were very understanding and let us have our appointment, albeit shortened, it was kind of them just the same. In that short amount of time the clinician picked up on two concerns. One was speech which was the one I expected the other of all things was possible OCD.

It was like a light bulb went off. I never, not once, thought of him to have OCD. It makes perfect sense the way he needs to have things just so and why no matter the amount of reprimand the same events happen.

A few main triggers Tom and I have picked up on:

• cutting his food...don't do this ever
• sticky/dirty hands
• the potty is "gross"

There are more things than that but those are the big ones that we see the biggest breakdown about. It's like watching a child have a tantrum but to the tenth power. I don't know that you can truly appreciate what I'm talking about without seeing it. Fortunately, I guess I'll use that word, the clinician had the chance to see one of the "potty is gross" meltdowns complete with Carter shoving and hitting my legs while screaming at me and crying. It was super fun and made me want to cry right there in the doctor's office. It hurts my heart that he may have to deal with having "issues" and he's only three.

Once that appointment concluded they wanted to go ahead and set up an appointment for a psychological evaluation with them. I was also given the information to call the school district to start the process for the speech and developmental studies. 

I called the district and they ordered the speech and developmental studies and we are now on a two week waiting list to have that done. The lady was very kind and gave me a lot of useful information over the phone about how the process works. Today the children's hospital called to make his psychological evaluation appointment. It's not until March and we will be there for 3-4 hours when the day finally comes. I got the call at work and even though I knew it was coming it still had a little sting. Hearing the woman tell me she was calling to "set up Carter's psychological evaluation" just seemed like the words didn't belong together.

So here we sit in the research phase, I'm trying to take it all in stride but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little scary. Next stop will be a behavioral study on the 22nd of this month, time will tell.

"Do Something About It!"

I'm not for resolutions of the New Year's variety. But I am very aware of a few things that need to be changed in my life. Last night I started cleaning the house after Tom and I had a movie night with the kids. I started scrubbing the tub and my knee as usual was in pain and feeling like it didn't want to bend. I finally get my joints working only to have to get back up and proceed to limp around. Tom just so happened to be standing behind me as I was going through the motions.

He finally says: "What is wrong with you, your knees, your elbows, it's always something."
To which I replied: "I'm too fat combined with getting older and it's killing my joints."
T: "Then do something about it, go on a diet."
Me: "I plan on it I just don't know what I want to do."

The truth is for the past month I've really been psyching myself up to pick a plan and stick to it. The fear of failing has left me with reservations on getting started on my endeavors.

I'm about 80% sure of the path I want to take to lose weight. I know enough that a diet alone is not going to save me. If that were the case I'd have been skinny years ago. My battle is of the mental variety and once I get done making excuses and telling myself I'll not make it; I'll be able to get something done. What I need most from others is support and kindness and not everyone in my life offering me "good advice." I really dislike when people try to help me lose weight as weird as that may seem. If I tell someone I lost five pounds the last thing I want to hear is "ooh, I have a recipe for sugar free cookies" or any other "healthy" item. As nice is that is to share a recipe; I don't want your recipe. I'd rather have a kind/encouraging word or silence.

I've come to realize I am highly addicted to junk and because of that, changing the way I eat feels like a never ending battle. I crave crappy food and when I'm trying to rid myself of sugar/sweets/junk I don't want any substitutions. By eating the substitutions I'm still allowing my body to crave sweets/junk thus prolonging a seemingly unending cycle to just stop craving them altogether. I need to eat healthy and I don't want sugar-free, fat-free, low-sodium processed substitutions to get me through it.

This year is going to be about discipline and perseverance. I will train myself to stick to this even when I really don't want to.